“I love my husband, but I no longer feel desire and agree to sex only to keep the peace. How can I preserve my marriage and stop forcing myself?”

Petra's answer

Dear reader,

First and most importantly: there is nothing wrong with you. Second: the hatred you feel towards yourself is a logical consequence of spending years doing something that looks “normal”, but which your body and subconscious mind experience as betrayal. You belong to a generation raised with “advice” that was sold as wisdom when you were young, although today we can see clearly how costly it was. In that advice, a woman was often treated as a project or service: “look after him, nurture him, cook well and do not forget regular sex”, as though this were maintenance rather than a relationship.

In other versions, the message was even harsher: sex was a tool for keeping a man. The idea that it could be a space in which a woman feels safe and desired never saw daylight, although it was whispered among women here and there, awakened by the revolutionary book The Vagina Monologues or even the book that came before it, Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

This is where the tragedy begins: a woman learns that she is a “good woman” when she makes herself smaller and neglects her needs. So I will be brutally clear: sex out of duty is not intimacy. It sends our subconscious the message that you do not matter.

When the body keeps agreeing to what it does not want, it enters a quiet conflict and begins to shut down. Desire does not disappear because you are cold or ungrateful. It disappears because it was never nurtured. And let us be realistic: in our part of Europe, women received the right to vote only in 1945. Our grandmothers grew up without a political voice, our mothers with the message that they should remain quieter as second-class citizens, and today we are still trying to talk about sex without shame. That is not a small thing.

The generations before you were not taught that female desire mattered. They were taught that stability mattered. Marriage mattered. Family mattered. Reputation mattered. Female desire? That was a luxury. Do not underestimate how deep these patterns run. If you grew up with sentences such as “a man has needs”, “do not reject him” and “keep quiet and protect your marriage”, it is no surprise that you now find it difficult to say: “I do not want this. I cannot continue like this.” You are not carrying only your marriage. You carry your upbringing, culture, history and all the unspoken messages passed from one generation to the next.

But this is where real strength appears: the first generation with a voice must learn to use it. And talk about it. Encourage change in society. Not only in politics, but in its own bedroom.

What now? You are aware that the decision belongs only to you. But if I were advising my friend or my daughter, I would say:

1. Do not make a sudden cut — make a shift

If you have agreed to sex out of duty for years, suddenly withdrawing can confuse or hurt your partner. Not because he is necessarily a bad man, but because the pattern has become a normal part of your relationship. The change therefore does not need to begin with “I do not want sex any more.” It can begin much more calmly: “I have noticed that we have grown apart over the years and I miss a different kind of closeness between us.” You are not attacking him. You are opening a space.

2. Restore connection before passion

Many couples try to solve the problem through sex when the real issue is a lack of emotional connection.

The first goal is therefore not more frequent sex. The first goal is to rebuild a sense of closeness. It may be simple: a conversation without phones, a walk together, talking about feelings or touch that does not have to end in bed. When safety returns, the body often begins responding naturally again.

3. Speak about yourself, not his mistake

If a man has believed for years that the relationship is “normal”, an accusation will only close him down. Instead of “You do not see me”, try: “I have realised that I have lost myself a little in our dynamic over time, and I want us to rediscover closeness.” That is an invitation, not an indictment.

4. Give change time and persistence

Marriages that have lived in a particular pattern for decades do not change overnight. It is important to say that. Change in intimacy often follows this order: conversation → safety → touch → desire. It never works in reverse.

5. Remember something important

Many men were never taught to talk about intimacy. They know how to be responsible, work and care for a family, but not how to speak about vulnerability. That does not mean they do not care. It often means only that they do not know another way. Sometimes a third person is helpful in translating what partners feel but do not know how to say.

What if you have never, ever talked about sex?

If sex has always been an unspoken taboo in your marriage, do not begin the conversation with a heavy sentence. Do not start with “I have felt awful for years.” Begin with the truth about yourself. Only yourself. “I have realised that I often agree to sex because I think I am supposed to. I feel that it is taking me further away from myself. I do not want to reject you. I want us to be more honest.” That carries completely different energy. He may be confused. He may become defensive. He may say you are exaggerating. He may be shocked because you have said something he has never considered. But men are very often unaware that a woman is agreeing without desire. They experience it as a normal part of marriage.

If you have never talked about sex, your first goal is not “better sex”. Your first goal is safety. You do not need to become “more sexual” to have value. Nor do you have to destroy the relationship in order to return to yourself. Sometimes the wisest path is one in which a woman begins changing the dynamic slowly but clearly. Silence does not save a long marriage. But sudden war does not save it either. What can save it is an honest conversation that comes at the right time and in a way the other person can hear — as honestly as is possible in the circumstances.

A marriage is not saved by a woman disappearing. It is saved when she returns to herself and chooses from that place: I am staying, but I am staying truthfully.

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An earlier version of this answer was first published by Živim / Jutarnji list on 8 March 2026.