When your intimate life becomes predictable: bringing in something new

“Our marriage has become sexually empty and uninteresting. How did we even get here?”

Of course you want something better. If you ask me, anyone who still serves and eats exactly the same lunch after ten years of marriage — literally and metaphorically — is a little mad: fried sardines and boiled potatoes on Friday, tomato sauce and spaghetti on Saturday, and roast chicken and potatoes on Sunday. At the same time, with the same seasoning.

I will spare you the rest of the week. I think I have made the point.

Routine is not the enemy in itself. It makes life easier, gives us security and saves us from holding a daily council about who will buy detergent. But when intimacy also follows a pre-filled form — the same day, same approach, same order and same ending — curiosity can easily fall asleep.

Not every lack of desire is simply boredom

When people ask why couples have sexual difficulties, why they become tired of sex or why one partner wants it more often than the other, the answer is not always: “You need something new.”

Sometimes tiredness, stress, pain, medication or what is happening between partners outside the bedroom are involved. If one of these has come between you, sexy clothes and a new tablecloth will not magically solve it.

But if sex used to feel pleasurable and exciting, you both still want to move closer and the main problem is that you can predict every coming minute — then it is worth looking at the routine.

If I ate the same menu for three months, those fried sardines would not see me again before 2045. I would want mussels in tomato and wine sauce, kale with meatballs or, honestly, anything I could not have predicted the previous Friday.

The point is not to produce a spectacle constantly. The point is to leave a little curiosity in the relationship.

Novelty does not need to be big or expensive

Toys, sexy clothing, new places and new rules may be something you try — if you both want to. But novelty can be much simpler: a different time of day, a longer kiss, a message before you meet, a change of pace or continuing to flirt long after the beginning of the relationship has passed.

You do not need to produce an erotic spectacular every Saturday with lighting, scenery and someone responsible for catering. Sometimes it is enough to stop treating one another as part of the furniture.

So how do you tell the other person that you have had enough of fried sardines and boiled potatoes every Friday?

Avoid criticism — use an invitation

Instead of “This is not exciting any more”, try: “I would love us to try something new together that might be fun for both of us.”

The first sentence can sound as though you have just given your partner a bad grade. The second says: “We are on the same side — let’s play a little”, without creating an obligation to do anything.

If even that feels too direct, remember the good moments at the beginning of the relationship. What did you do differently then? Did you tease each other more, send messages, give compliments or simply notice one another?

Begin by saying “thank you” again. Notice a small thing your partner does and say it aloud. Nothing should be taken for granted, although long-term couples sometimes behave as though tenderness were included in the utility bills.

Use a metaphor if the conversation gets stuck

Food is a wonderful example: “Imagine eating the same thing for ten years. Would you be open to a small change on the menu?”

You can open the conversation with this article too, but do not send it to your partner with the message: “Here, read this and fix yourself.” That is not an invitation. It is homework with a passive-aggressive footnote.

Explain what you recognised in the text and ask how your partner experiences your intimacy.

Share a fantasy as an idea, not a demand

Instead of making your partner feel pressure, open a door: “There is something I would like to share with you. Would you like to hear it?”

A fantasy is neither a contract nor an obligation to make it real. Someone may be happy to hear it without wanting to try it. That answer matters too.

If the idea excites only one person and makes the other uncomfortable, persuasion is not the goal. Look for the place where your desires meet and both of you feel good.

Begin with small steps

You do not need to start with a five-course dinner and two waiters. Sometimes changing the tablecloth is enough.

Choose one small thing that sounds pleasant to both of you. Perhaps you will change the time, place, music or the way you begin. Afterwards, talk: what did you enjoy, what did you not enjoy, and would you like to repeat it?

An experiment is not an exam you need to pass. If something does not work, you have not “ruined the evening”. You have simply learnt that this item does not need to stay on your menu.

Let it be play, not a project

If change sounds like another task to add to the shared calendar beside the car service and buying toilet paper, it will quickly lose its charm.

Play means that you can suggest, accept, refuse, laugh and stop. If something does not suit your partner, it is not a signal to press harder. Perhaps they need a conversation, perhaps they simply dislike the idea, or perhaps the discomfort is hiding something more important than routine.

Change can be slow, but not because you should keep persuading. It is slow because two people are discovering together what suits them today — and that may no longer be what suited them ten years ago.

In the end

A better intimate life does not have to begin with a major transformation. It can begin with a question, message, compliment or agreement that this time you will not automatically repeat what you do every Friday.

You do not have to remove sardines from the menu forever. Perhaps both of you love them. Just check whether you are still choosing them — or eating them because nobody remembers who put them on the menu in the first place.

Related

• Why doesn’t your partner initiate intimacy?
• How to reconnect with your partner
• Couples coaching

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An earlier version of this article was first published by 24sata on 2 October 2025.