“I want an open relationship, but my partner does not. Can I persuade her?”

Petra's answer

Dear reader,

Open relationships are increasingly present and discussed much more openly than before. Sometimes I feel a new divide is being created: either we accept that, in a long relationship, other people may attract us and we “honestly” open the relationship, or we pretend nobody else interests us while some people quietly have affairs. There is much more room between those extremes than it may first appear.

An open relationship is not automatically more progressive or more honest than a monogamous one, just as monogamy itself is no guarantee of faithfulness, closeness or a good relationship. The more important question is what kind of relationship two people genuinely want, and whether they both want it.

So you can talk with your partner. You can explain what draws you to the idea and explore together what monogamy means to each of you. But I would not try to persuade her. There is an enormous difference between “this scares me, but I am interested too” and “I do not want this, but I will agree because I am afraid you will leave me”. The second sentence is not a good foundation for opening a relationship.

An open relationship changes the rules

Sometimes we imagine an open relationship as a monogamous relationship to which we have added a little sexual freedom, as though we had added a new option to an existing package. In reality, you have changed the rules of the relationship.

Suddenly, questions arise that you may never have needed to ask. Who is okay? How often? Do we want to know the details? Is staying overnight okay? What if someone falls in love? What if one partner has more opportunities than the other? You may have imagined only meeting other women, and then find your life turning into a horror story because your partner looks fantastic while she is meeting someone else.

In theory, we are all very progressive until someone puts on perfume and walks out the door.

I know couples who opened their relationship convinced that it was exactly what they wanted. For some, something quite different happened: only after opening the relationship did they realise they were far more monogamous than they thought. Others divorced and entered a relationship with the person who was initially meant to be an “extra option”. For others, an idea that was often much lovelier in imagination than in reality collided with jealousy, hurt and emotions they had not expected. What looked exciting in a fantasy opened so many wounds in real life that their relationship did not survive it.

I do not say this as proof that open relationships do not work. On the contrary, I know people who have lived that way for years and seem genuinely content. I do not mean couples who maintain the image of a harmonious marriage for neighbours, family or Facebook. I mean partners with rich life experience who have found a relationship they both want. There is deep closeness between them; they talk about their thoughts, wishes and experiences. They are home to one another, and a third person is neither a replacement for their partner nor a search for someone “better”. Their relationship is not open because they are insufficient for one another, but because they have both chosen that form of sexuality.

I would describe it like this: for them, a third person is like a new swing in the park. It is fun when they feel like having a swing, but both know very well where they belong. The swing stays where it is, without further emotions or attempts to move it into their living room. That is the huge difference.

She has said no

Open relationships can work. But not because the people in them are less jealous, less attached or more emotionally advanced than everyone else. They work when people can speak honestly about desires, boundaries, jealousy, safety, sexual health, feelings and changing agreements — and when both people have a real opportunity to say no.

Your partner has already said no. She added only: “But perhaps I will agree so I do not lose you.” That is where I would stop. If you then start explaining why it is not so bad, persuading her that she will get used to it, or saying the problem is only her insecurity, a conversation can very easily become pressure. Consent is not only a spoken yes; where that yes comes from matters too.

If someone agrees to a sexual or relationship arrangement they do not want only because they believe they will otherwise lose their partner, the cost of that consent can be very high. On the outside, they may try to look cool, while inside every one of your departures may feel like swallowing another piece of themselves to keep the relationship.

The answer is not to explain that she should not be jealous because you love her above all else. Jealousy can be explored and discussed. But a boundary is not the same as insecurity. Someone can be very secure in themselves and still want a monogamous relationship.

So instead of asking how to persuade her, perhaps you should ask yourself the harder question: “If she does not agree to an open relationship, can I honestly continue a monogamous relationship with her without resentment?”

You do not have to give up your fantasies. You can explore what the idea of openness represents to you: sexual variety, new excitement, freedom, reassurance that you are desirable, fear of spending your life with one person, or something missing from your sexual relationship.

Sometimes, only when we discover what lies beneath a desire do we realise there are other ways to bring some of it into an existing relationship. Or you may realise that the possibility of relationships with others matters so much to you that you no longer want to live monogamously. Then you will have to make a difficult but honest decision.

What you cannot do honestly is keep your partner on the condition that she becomes someone she does not want to be. An open relationship is not open because the doors to others are open, but only when both people can freely decide whether they want to walk through those doors.