What if you no longer feel desirable?

Not feeling desirable hurts more than a spot on the tip of your nose, taxes and Wi-Fi that refuses to work — all at the same time.

Especially when you remember the version of yourself who could look in the mirror and think: “Yes, I like what I see.” Today, all you notice may be tiredness, a stomach that did not ask permission to change, hair with a life of its own and a face begging for eight hours of sleep.

But feeling desirable is not only about appearance. Sometimes you no longer feel at home in your own skin. Sometimes you miss your partner’s gaze, touch or interest. Sometimes you are so buried in responsibilities that if your libido tried to call, it would hear: “I don’t have time — call again next week.”

That is why it is unfair to reduce everything to “Just decide that you are sexy.” If it were that easy, we would all solve it with a single morning glance in the mirror.

The mirror is not always the problem

Perhaps your body has changed. Perhaps you have given birth, entered a new stage of life, gone through illness, stress or a period when your body was last on the list of priorities. Perhaps you are tired. Or perhaps your partner looks at their phone more than they look at you.

All of this can influence how you feel. Not every insecurity should be turned into a personal failure.

There is a difference between:

• “I find it difficult to see myself as attractive.”
• “I miss my partner seeing me, touching me and showing that they want me.”
• “I no longer have the space or energy to feel what I want at all.”

These three things can overlap, but they are not the same. If you push all of them into a drawer labelled “I am not good enough”, it becomes difficult to see what you are actually missing.

Whose voice do you hear when you look at yourself?

We did not grow up in a vacuum. We grew up with messages such as “Nice girls don’t have sex”, “Bad girls stay out after dark” and “Come on, you’re a mother now — the time for low necklines and short shorts is over.”

An older neighbour said that last one to me, in front of my children and husband, while we were on our way to play football in the park. I laughed and replied: “Oh, these are still quite modest.”

Because honestly — if we listened to every comment about how a woman should look, dress and behave at a certain age, we would need separate office hours just to justify our own existence.

It is worth asking whether the sentence “I am no longer desirable” is truly yours. Or is it assembled from other people’s comments, comparisons, photographs and rules you never chose for yourself?

Comparison is a game nobody wins

Imagine a line of perfectly groomed women, as though they had just stepped out of Photoshop. Then someone walks past who does not have the “perfect” proportions, whose hair looks as if the wind styled it, but whose back is straight, step confident and smile a little cheeky.

You notice her because she does not appear to be asking the room for permission to exist.

That does not mean she wakes every morning full of confidence. It does not mean another person’s gaze never matters to her. At that moment, she simply is not using other women’s bodies as a ruler for her own worth.

Comparison is tricky because you can always find someone younger, firmer, better rested or more attractively lit. Especially online, where nobody posts a photo taken from below while looking for a lost sock under the bed.

Desirability is not a performance

Feeling desirable does not mean walking around all day as though you were in a perfume advert. You do not have to be in the mood for sex, wear lace or fall in love with your reflection every morning.

It can mean something much quieter: feeling comfortable taking up space. Not apologising for your body. Wearing something in which you feel like yourself. Noticing what feels good and what makes you close down. Remembering that you are a woman with desires, boundaries and your own rhythm without waiting only for someone else’s approval.

And yes, sometimes it feels good to hear that someone finds you attractive. We are not islands, and we do not need to pretend that our partner’s gaze never matters. The problem begins when that gaze becomes the only proof that you have value.

What can you do without forcing yourself to “love yourself” immediately?

You do not have to jump overnight from “I dislike everything about myself” to “I am a goddess”. That leap often sounds convincing only on a mug with a motivational message.

You can begin by:

1. Naming what is actually missing. Is this about your relationship with your body, a lack of attention from your partner, tiredness or losing touch with your own desires?
2. Noticing when you feel more like yourself. Perhaps it is after moving your body, getting dressed up, resting, listening to music, talking or doing something that has nothing to do with appearance.
3. Stopping the habit of checking your worth against other people’s bodies. Another woman is not proof that something is missing in you.
4. Talking to your partner about what you need. Not through a test such as “Have you noticed anything different?”, but more clearly: “I miss your attention and I want us to create more closeness again.”
5. Seeking support if your relationship with your body has been painful for a long time or seriously limits your life. You do not need to wait until insecurity becomes the only subject in your head.

One more thing: modern cars have curved windows. When you look at yourself in them, you can resemble an overfilled pie. If the reflection is not helping your confidence, perhaps the glass really is to blame. Look ahead and straighten your back. A smile is a bonus, not an obligation.

What if your partner no longer sees you?

Working on your relationship with yourself does not mean ignoring what is happening in your relationship.

If your partner rarely shows tenderness, shows no interest in how you feel or turns every attempt at conversation into a joke at your expense, it is not fair to return the whole problem to you with the message that you simply need more confidence.

You can be strong, well put together, fully yourself and full of life — and still feel that your relationship is missing the gaze that says: “I see you.”

Then the question is not only “How can I feel sexy again?” It is also: “Can the two of us talk about attention, tenderness and desire without defensiveness or ridicule?”

The answer may not come in one conversation. But your question deserves room.

In the end

Desirability does not begin with a magical moment when you decide that from today onwards you will be completely confident. It begins when you stop turning every change in your body and every absence of someone else’s attention into proof that something is wrong with you.

Perhaps you will rediscover a part of yourself you have neglected. Perhaps you will tell your partner more clearly what you miss. Perhaps you will notice for the first time how long you have been looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes.

You do not need to perform in order to be desirable. But you are allowed to want to be seen — by yourself and by the person with whom you share your life.

Related

• How to reconnect with your partner

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An earlier version of this article was first published by 24sata on 23 August 2025.