Men, experience is not measured by the number of partners

The number of women you have slept with can sound like a score on a scoreboard. The higher the number, the more experienced you must be. At least, that is the myth sold to men from their teenage years.

But there is no league table in bed.

You can have had many experiences without ever truly asking a woman what works for her. You can spend years with one person and still assume that you already know everything. Experience does not begin with a number. It begins when you stop performing what you think a “real man” should perform and pay attention to the person in front of you.

Men seek help too — more often than you might think

Yes, men seek help as well. Not only when the body does not cooperate as expected and not only when their ego has been bruised.

They come because they want to be better lovers. They want to know how to awaken passion again, how to please their partner and how to stop doubting themselves at the very moment they would most like to be present. Some want more connection, confidence and the kind of attraction that does not disappear once the first infatuation passes.

Many openly say they received very little useful information as teenagers. There were no honest conversations, questions felt embarrassing and pornography often ended up in the role of teacher.

Pornography can portray a fantasy, but it is not an instruction manual for a real encounter between two people. It does not necessarily show agreement, awkwardness, stopping, laughter or the question: “Is this all right for you?” If it teaches you that sex is only penetration and proving yourself, it becomes easy to monitor your own performance more closely than your partner.

A number is not the same as experience

Some men try to resolve insecurity by constantly changing partners. They believe each new person will add another point to their confidence.

Not necessarily.

A new partner means a new body, new desires, new boundaries and a new language. What worked for one woman may be entirely uninteresting to another. If you always begin by trying to show what you know, you can easily miss the most important part: discovering who is there with you.

A stable relationship can offer something that brief encounters find harder to provide — time. Time to relax, make mistakes, laugh, say what you want and discover something new together. That does not mean every long relationship is automatically good or that monogamy is the only path. It simply means that depth cannot be counted.

That is why I always find it funny when I go out dressed up without my husband and someone asks with a raised eyebrow: “And where is your husband?”

I simply smile. Who could be a better lover for me than the man I have been with for more than fifteen years? Each day we can become more experienced, freer and more passionate, and I believe the most exciting part is still ahead of us.

Monogamy is not boring to me — if you know how to live it. It is fairly obvious why I cannot wipe the smile from my face.

A good lover is not taking an exam

The most common question sounds like this: “What should I do to be good in bed?”

Try replacing it with: “How can I connect more fully with the person in front of me?”

When sex becomes an exam, half your attention goes towards checking yourself. Am I good enough? Am I lasting long enough? Am I hard enough? Am I doing what I am supposed to do?

While that meeting is taking place inside your head, the person beside you is left alone.

You do not need a perfect move. You need curiosity. Ask: “What feels good?”, “Would you like it slower?” or “Can I try this?” Then genuinely listen to the answer. If you hear “no” or “stop”, or notice the other person withdrawing, there is no negotiation or persuasion. You stop.

A good lover is not someone who knows everything. It is someone who wants to learn, respects the answer and does not fall apart because their partner wants something different today from what she wanted yesterday.

Slowing down does not mean losing your masculinity

Speed and aggression are not proof of masculinity. Sometimes they are simply speed and aggression.

Slowing down gives you time to notice a look, breath, movement of the body and shift in mood. It means enjoying the way your partner undresses instead of checking inside your head whether you are sufficiently “ready”. It means leaving room for arousal to build instead of rushing towards a goal you have already chosen for both of you.

And yes, sexual confidence begins outside the bedroom too. I do not mean pretending to be unavailable or staring at every woman who walks past. Confidence is not a performance for an audience. It is knowing who you are, being able to say what you want, hear what another person wants and tolerate the fact that the answer will not always be the one you imagined.

When something is not working, silence rarely helps

One difficult evening is not a verdict on your masculinity. The body is not a machine, and sex is not a show that must follow the same script and reach a perfect ending every time.

If the concern keeps returning, if performance anxiety takes over whenever intimacy approaches or if you notice a difficulty that persists, asking for help is not weakness. A conversation with a doctor or another appropriate professional can help clarify what is happening. You do not have to guess alone or wait until shame becomes bigger than the problem.

In the end

Men, sexual experience does not come from the number of partners. It comes from a willingness to learn, ask, listen and admit that you do not know everything.

You can know a hundred moves and still miss the person in front of you. Or you can ask one honest question and open the door to completely different sex.

Being a good lover is not a medal you win once. It is a relationship you build afresh each time with the person who is there with you.

Related

• A healthy relationship starts with a phone-free conversation

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An earlier version of this article was first published by 24sata on 24 August 2025.